


Ensnared Freedom

by stirlingphoenix



Category: Servamp (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Melancholy, Relationship Discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 23:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9147598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stirlingphoenix/pseuds/stirlingphoenix
Summary: Sakuya brings up a conversation between him and Tsubaki that’s long overdue, and while the conclusion might not be what Sakuya wants, at least it’s something he can believe in.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ExtinctionOfReality](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExtinctionOfReality/gifts).



> Written for Tsubaki's birthday, and dedicated to ExtinctionofReality~ <33.

Tsubaki’s lips ghost over his frigid skin, teasing him for barely a second before pressing against him in the form of tender kisses, each one more gentle and loving than the last. As fleeting as each caress is, Tsubaki’s touches feel like they’re searing Sakuya’s flesh, burning away the tissues and melting the bones, leaving his rotten soul completely exposed to Tsubaki’s all-seeing gaze.

This vulnerability leaves Sakuya with mixed emotions. On one hand, he despises the idea of being left open to Tsubaki’s gaze. He already knows what Tsubaki will think of him, and he doesn’t want to see loathing and disgust written so plainly on his face, especially not when he’s the sole target of such intense malice. 

Being turned away by Tsubaki, his savior, the vampire he’d once been so sure he’d give his entire existence for, would surely kill him. 

However, part of him, a side that’s growing exponentially with each kiss Tsubaki places upon his now abnormally heated flesh, thinks that this is exactly what he desires. After all, the quicker he is revealed to Tsubaki, the more rapidly Tsubaki can be done with him, and the faster this charade he calls a life will be over. 

Suddenly Sakuya can feel Tsubaki’s lips against his neck; Sakuya finds himself automatically giving Tsubaki better access, offering Tsubaki explicit permission to do exactly as he wishes. Has Tsubaki finally seen enough? At last, will he do what Sakuya never had the nerve to do himself? He has to—no one with his treacherous history has any right to live, much less stay by Tsubaki’s side. 

Tsubaki’s teeth just barely graze against his jugular vein, causing Sakuya to inhale sharply. He thinks that this is it, the end he’s so desperately awaited. Closing his eyes, he peacefully resigns himself to the fate he entrusts Tsubaki to deliver. 

But instead of the sharp sensation of fangs piercing skin, he feels Tsubaki’s tongue lick at the exact spot his teeth had just touched a second ago, followed by a chaste yet, purposeful kiss. It’s almost like a silent apology that Sakuya cannot comprehend, not when he knows full well what Tsubaki’s entitled to do with him. Tsubaki continues to layer Sakuya’s neck and lower jaw in sweet butterfly kisses; he acts as if he has no intentions of taking Sakuya’s life, which only means one thing. 

Finally, Tsubaki’s kisses become too much for him, and he can’t take it anymore. Carefully placing his hands on Tsubaki’s chest, he half-heartedly pushes him away, as if he’s unsure of what he really wants. 

“I can’t do this.” Sakuya’s voice is little more than a whisper. “Not tonight.”

Tsubaki watches him with an indecipherable expression on his face. “It’s all right my dear,” he says in a voice that’s far too sweet for Sakuya’s liking and pulls away completely, straightening the haori on his shoulders in the process. “I understand.” He offers Sakuya a smile that’s just as gentle as his voice, but says nothing more. 

“Yeah, right.” Sakuya sits up, carefully watching Tsubaki as they both stand up. Of course Tsubaki would understand without an explanation. He doesn’t need to question Sakuya’s feelings or intentions, he never has. 

Sakuya despises that fact. He wishes that just once, Tsubaki wouldn’t be satisfied so easily by his curt, and often cryptic answers. He wishes Tsubaki would delve a bit deeper, ask the questions that were always left unanswered, perhaps even show distaste for not even being offered an explanation.

Instead, Tsubaki only continues to smile at Sakuya, like he hasn’t a care in the world, as if he completely misunderstands how Sakuya really feels, or simply doesn’t care. 

The latter notion wouldn’t surprise him in the least. After all, it’s not the first time Tsubaki’s voiced disinterest over him. 

“I love you, Sakuya.” His voice is genuine enough, and while he knows that Tsubaki would never lie to him, he can’t accept those words coupled with such a cold reaction. 

“Don’t lie to me,” he all but growls with his gaze cast towards the floor.

“I have never lied to you.” He isn’t looking at Tsubaki, but he knows Tsubaki’s expression hasn’t changed--he feels like seeing that same smile plastered all over Tsubaki’s face at that moment will destroy what little composure he has left. 

He nods once. “You’re always so considerate of me, so patient with me, far too willing to love me,” Sakuya says in a low, almost lifeless tone. “It sickens me.” Only then does a twinge of anger accompany his voice. 

“Shamrock is right you know.” Sakuya continues, his voice is louder this time. He knows that if he’s not careful he will wake everyone else up, and right now, a ‘family’ discussion about him and his loyalty to Tsubaki is the last thing he needs. 

“I could betray you at any point.” 

“I’m aware.” 

A deafening silence falls between them. Sakuya’s throat begins to tighten, the calmness is so thick, he feels like he could choke on it, and that Tsubaki, being none-the-wiser, would just stand there and let it happen. 

And suddenly, Sakuya can’t take it anymore. With an amount of speed that he thinks might be enough to catch Tsubaki off guard, he lunges forward, only stopping just before he’s about to collide with Tsubaki. Instead, he roughly grabs at Tsubaki’s right shoulder with his left hand, bracing himself while his right hand is balled up in a fist and hitting Tsubaki squarely in the chest. There’s not a enough force behind his attack to cause Tsubaki even the slightest bit of discomfort, let alone any real damage. It doesn’t matter how angry he is, or how much control he loses over his own emotions, he could never hurt Tsubaki like this. 

“Then do something about it!” By now, Sakuya doesn’t give a damn about who he wakes up, He’s nearly screaming at Tsubaki, desperately hoping to elicit some sort of reaction from him. 

“Get angry with me!” He strikes against Tsubaki’s chest again. 

“Hate me!” and again. 

“Rebuke me!” and again. 

“Throw me out! Do something, for god’s sake,” And once more, only this time there isn’t any force behind his attack. His fist makes contact, and just stays planted on Tsubaki’s chest. He doesn’t have the strength to pull away. “Just don’t be silent about this....” 

By now the heart that’s been dead for far too long feels like it’s pounding heavily within his chest, threatening to explode at any second. Somehow, he manages to choke back a broken sob, but he’s not so sure that he can hold back his tears forever. “Please,” he asks weakly, still refusing to look Tsubaki in the eyes. “Please, it’s killing me.”

“Sakuya.” The calmness in Tsubaki’s voice initially makes his blood run even colder than it already is, but when a pair of warm hands are placed on his cheeks, gently guiding him so that he’s now face-to-face with Tsubaki, he’s left feeling numb. 

“Understand that I cannot treat you with emotions that I do not feel.” Tsubaki’s not smiling anymore, his lips form a thin line across his face, and his eyes, while focused and vivid with life, refuse to give Sakuya even the slightest hint about what he might be thinking. 

As much as he doesn’t like the answer, he knows Tsubaki’s right. A welcomed sense of serenity washes over him, clearing his mind and allowing him to think again. While Tsubaki could oblige him, scream at him, revile him in every possible way and say exactly what Sakuya wants to hear, it would all be lie. As much as Sakuya thinks he deserves Tsubaki’s contempt, he knew that even before pulling this fit that he’d never get it, because that’s not who Tsubaki is. He knows that, but nevertheless, he always fails to understand. 

“Why?” Sakuya finally asks, knowing that there is no need to clarify himself. 

“Because I love you,” Tsubaki says again, as if that is the most obvious, complete response in the world.

It’s not, however. Not to Sakuya. He wishes Sakuya would stab him simultaneously with three knives and then twist them mercilessly within the wound, because at least that would be less painful than hearing that particular phrase thrown so casually his way. 

“Of course you do.” This time he can’t stop the tears from falling gracelessly down his cheek, inevitably dampening his shirt. His body begins to shake violently, but somehow he gains the strength it needs to push Tsubaki away from him, the resulting force not only shoves Tsubaki away, but causes him to take a few steps back as well. It almost pains him to see shock flicker in Tsubaki’s eyes, but at least now he’s getting something other than calmness and understanding, as meager as it is. 

Tsubaki’s surprise is fleeting however, and it’s replaced with yet another unreadable emotion just as quickly as it had come. 

A soft smile graces Tsubaki’s lips as he takes a step forward, once again narrowing the gap between Sakuya and himself. The compassion easily transfers from Tsubaki’s smile and glows in his crimson eyes that remain half-hidden by his sunglasses, and Sakuya can’t help but be completely mesmerized by his gaze. Tsubaki reaches out for Sakuya, who is torn between fleeing the scene completely and taking Tsubaki’s proffered hand. 

As terrifying as it, he elects to do the latter. A cold, clammy hand takes ahold of Tsubaki’s, and it’s only then is Sakuya able to stop himself from shaking. 

“Do you know why I have little interest in which side of this war you choose?” Tsubaki asks quietly, his eyes look like they’re searching deep within the darkest depths of Sakuya’s very existence, extracting his most well-hidden secrets with more ease than he has any right to. 

Sakuya blinks twice, letting Tsubaki’s question sink in. 

“No,” he answers after a moment.

“Because in this life you are free to do as you wish,” Tsubaki begins. “You can stay by my side, you can leave and join Mahiru,” the twinge of venom that laces Tsubaki’s voice doesn’t go unnoticed, and he wishes Tsubaki would go further on that point, but he realizes that now is not the time to discuss Mahiru. “Or you can go off and do something else entirely. The choice is yours.”

For the first time, Sakuya’s actually disappointed with such a response. Usually, he can expect when he’s about to receive a less than satisfactory answer, but this time, he’d actually gotten his hopes up. After all, Tsubaki wasn’t one to state the obvious, and those sentiments had always been unspoken understandings between Tsubaki and all of his subclasses.

So then, why did Tsubaki say them out loud now? 

“I know,” he responds flatly, not knowing what else to say. Sakuya suddenly finds himself feeling incredibly uncomfortable, and Tsubaki’s gaze only seems to amplify that sensation. Not wanting to be subjected to this torture any longer, Sakuya attempts to pull away, but he's stuck in place when Tsubaki tightens his grip on him. 

“Sakuya, one more thing?”

As hard as he tries, Sakuya still has no idea what's going on in Tsubaki's mind; he only knows that his only choice is to listen. 

The grin Tsubaki's wearing widens a bit, somehow taking on a slightly demented demeanor. “You have the freedom to choose what you want to do with your life, and how you’d like to live it, but for you, having life is not a choice.” His voice is as gracious as ever, but Sakuya knows that there’s something far more sinister hidden in those words than Tsubaki’s leading on. 

“What do you mean?” Sakuya asks before he even has the chance to process what Tsubaki's saying for himself. 

“I am always watching you,” Tsubaki states bluntly. “I know of your previous attempts.”

Tsubaki takes one step closer, stealing away the last of Sakuya’s personal space to the point where he can feel Tsubaki’s cool breath on his cheek. Tsubaki raises his hands to cup Sakuya’s cheeks, as if he’s trying to prevent Sakuya from turning away from him. Sakuya casts his gaze to the side, partially out of spite, and partially because he doesn’t wish to see the truth in Tsubaki’s words. 

Not surprisingly, Tsubaki isn’t deterred. “And if you ever succeed, know that I will be there to resurrect you.” Tsubaki maintains his composure, but Sakuya knows him well enough to tell that Tsubaki’s self-control is hanging by a thread. Pushed one step further, and Tsubaki would inevitably be thrown into a fit of hysterics—Sakuya knows all too well that the conversation would become pointless if that happens. 

Sakuya dares to look back, only to see another emotion flash through Tsubaki’s eyes, and although Sakuya can’t identify it, the sensation still manages to send chills down his spine. “Go ahead, try as many times as you like, I will never allow death to claim you.”

And just like that, Tsubaki’s entire disposition reverts back to normal. The deranged grin that was threatening to monopolize his face instantly melts into the affectionate smile he usually gives Sakuya, and his head tilts innocently to the side, watching him with warm eyes. 

“Cruel bastard,” Sakuya mumbles under his breath, knowing full well that Tsubaki will hear him regardless. Part of him wants to scream, to fight for his right to death. He’s only willing to relinquish so much control; however, Tsubaki’s already taken the highest power he has without him even noticing until it was far too late. 

But in spite of this, Sakuya can’t quite bring himself to do anything about it. 

“Perhaps the cruelest thing I’ve ever done,” Tsubaki nods in agreement, “but I’ve never denied the fact that when it comes to you especially, I am a truly selfish being.” 

“Me?” Sakuya can hardly believe his ears. He’s dying to refute those words, to prove that he’s treated the same as any other subclass, but not one example comes to mind. Their team has of course suffered casualties, and Tsubaki had let them all go peacefully. He however, is different. Tsubaki doesn’t need to prove that, his word is absolute, and if Tsubaki says he’s going revive him, he knows without a doubt it will happen. 

“I can’t make you stay here, Sakuya,” Tsubaki’s voice takes on a somber tone as he glances away for only a second before returning to Sakuya. “but in this life, I won’t ever let you leave me.”

At last, Sakuya feels like he can move his limbs again. Lifting his arms up, he places his hands on top of Tsubaki’s and squeezes them, as if he never wants Tsubaki to let go. This time it’s he who initiates a soft, yet intimate kiss between them. His lips move tentatively against Tsubaki’s, as if to convey the uncertainty that still looms within his heart. The why in which Tsubaki responds gives him the reassurance he so desperately needs. 

Through all of his distrust and confusion, the only thing Sakuya has confidence in is the fact that he doesn’t ever want to lose this. 

“Promise?” He doesn’t realize that he’s silently crying again until the tears hit his hands. 

“Promise.” Tsubaki smiles again before leaning in to tenderly kiss away each and every one of Sakuya’s tears. 

Sakuya can’t help but wonder if Tsubaki realizes that with that one word, he has simultaneously solidified Sakuya’s eternal trust in him, and ensured that no matter what happens, in the end, Sakuya will remain forever his.


End file.
